Lucy Alice HallSearch
I feel I must of started battling with mental health when I was around 12/13. I was deeply unhappy and struggling to function, going to school was such an effort and I didn't want to be at school I struggled to attend by year 10 in 2000-2005 and during year 11 2005-2006 my attendance was poor. I had no proper friends and I was suffering from high anxiety but doctors were reluctant to diagnose me with that or give me medication during my teenage years. I was seeing a psychiatrist due to my recent autism diagnosis at 13. It was clear to me I had anxiety and possible depression. I would hardly go out except to go to school. I used to talk about dying a lot. I was suicidal. I wasn't sleeping I gave up trying and would stay up online on Bebo/MSN messenger/Myspace/internet most of the night or playing the sims on my computer.
In 2006 when I was 16 i left school with hardly any GCSE's I got 2 in the subjects ICT and Art. I went onto college a special college at Queen Alexandra College in Harborne Birmingham. I did BTEC Art and Design course. Things seemed to improve for a while except at home I was having meltdowns on the evening and saying negative things also only attending college and wouldn't do anything outside of college. I was getting worse at going to family events and I had friends at college but struggled to go and meet them after college for example on evenings or weekends. I felt happy most of the time at college but I had counselling to speak about my worries. It was recommended by college staff.
In 2008 I wanted to go residential so in September 2008 I became a residential student which was for the next 2 years until July 2010. I was looking forward to it but when the time came I remember feeling a lot of anxiety leading up to the day. I was placed in the biggest most independent house called Mary Badger. I found it a struggle especially when all the students were there from the end of my 1st week their were 16 students including me and key workers to and the manager on top of that. I began to be very unhappy. I spoke to my course tutor , counselling and other staff who spoke to head of residential and within weeks I was moved to a smaller residential house, called Ashwood it may have had 8 students and then the key workers and manager. Nothing helped I was very isolated even more in that house I stayed in my bedroom from dinner up until morning, occasionally coming out and some evenings I went to see Joannah my friend to help me feel better who was in a different house at college.
By December 2008 I began to self harm every single day. I went to see my doctor who prescribed me Citalopram an anti depressant and sleeping medication. I was referred to see a psychiatrist on the learning disability team which was based in Sutton Coldfield. I was told after a few months I would be back to being my old self and won't need medication. I got worse. I was skipping medication as I was self medicating and the plan was to overdose which I tried in March 2009. After the medication incident I was told to have one week off college and then the decision was made that I wouldn't return back to residential I would return back as a day student for my remaining time at QAC as staff weren't trained in mental health in residential.
Things just went from bad to worse. I carried on self harming several times a day with glass, razor blades or anything I could get hold of or smash. I couldn't cope I wasn't functioning at college. I had counselling and psychology at college several times a week and then I was having psychiatry and community nursing at home once a week. I was very deeply depressed and anxious. I would live off possibly 1 and a half hours sleep. I started to not eat at all just live off diet fizzy drinks such as diet coke. I had weight gain due to an anti depressant medication called Prozac and by the end of 2009 I was developing an eating disorder Anorexia. I was referred to see an eating disorder psychiatrist. I was told it was an obsession because of my Autism. I was around 6.12/7 stone and thats low for a 5ft6 19-20 year old lady. I was having blood tests and something came back either to high or low and that could cause my heart to give up, which gave me a scare and I ate little bits for a while and then I did begin eating.
After the eating my mental health kept deteriorating even though I was a healthy reasonable weight. I would have full on arguments with family due to my mental health. I kept self harming and not attending college. I would hide medication when I didn't want it now I was on another anti depressant, anti anxiety, sleeping and mood stabilisers. I felt very suicidal. The psychiatrist and community nursing suggested a short stay in a mental health unit. I froze at the idea I didn't want to live away from my family that was by Christmas 2009. The hospital I was going to go to didn't think that hospital was the best choice for me. I carried on I began at Sutton Coldfield College in September 2010.
aIn February 2011 I kept getting worse self harming and my high and depressive moods went to another level. I started to refuse to attend college at this new college I went to. Psychiatry were seeing me more regularly and Dr.Roy the main doctor got involved with me and he sat and rang hospitals in the last meeting before becoming an inpatient he was seeing if their was a bed available and by the following week I had an assessment to go in as a informal patient at Brooklands Hospital Marston Green. I was accepted within a few days I was admitted on the young persons unit which was 7-8 beds and for those aged 16-24 with learning disability and possible mental health conditions. I was told 3 weeks I would be there at the most. My mental health was worse than they thought. My doctor has been Dr.roy since.
I was in Brooklands hospital 18 months. I deteriorated at times so my time in their got longer and I went against rules by getting sharp items and self harming with them and refusing to do activities and I even found myself restrained for trying to self harm or hurt myself in other ways such as banging my head. I had my room stripped of my belongings and checked for sharp items before coming from home leave my self harm did get worse in their. I found it difficult and a challenge to live with others with mental health. I hated sitting with the others I was banned from sitting in the bedroom all day long my door was locked. At times i had staff sitting outside my bedroom all night watching me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar whilst an inpatient.
When discharge was spoke about the hospital staff and doctors felt that returning back to family wasn't an option. It was decided I would go in some sort of supported living or residential. My social worker Shaun and Emma my community nurse found 2 care providers and they chose one in Solihull. It was spoken about going to live in a residential home in Kingstanding. I am glad they chose the one in Solihull. I left hospital in August 2012.
I have lived with clients but it wasn't for me. I live in a flat in Chelmsley Wood - North Solihull for the past 6 years.
I go through bad patches, self harm, trying not to take medication and low mood. I am never fully settled, Mental health still is there is a challenge. Support staff help me keep safe a lot of the time, sometimes I am sneaky and buy sharp items without them knowing but most of the time I can speak out saying I have got a sharp item such as a sharpener. I am not allowed sharp items in my flat I do have them locked away even down to glass.
Dr Roy really worked his magic and really helped me and never gave up on me even when i was at my worst he made me the person I am today and I have never been spoken to about going back into hospital. I am determined to keep going when things get tough the majority of the time. I still struggle with being positive and self harm sometimes. I can go months without self harm but its still their i do talk about wanting to do it and when I do it i want to keep doing it bu support staff help me through that.
I only see community nursing and psychology (sometimes). I have had so many professionals over the years so it does sometimes feel strange not having so many doctors and professionals seeing me.
I have grown in confidence and feel proud sometimes of how far I have come. I may have been battling mental health for years. I wouldn't be here without all the people who have supported me, doctors, nurses, hospital and medication. I am spoken of as a success by psychiatry when he speaks about me to community nursing and others.
I try things and go places I would never of thought of going to. My hobbies have got better and I am now losing weight after years of binging and eating not healthy at all. I have lost over 4 stone now.
I hope this blog helps someone to get help maybe or just think it's ok not to feel ok. I have become the person I am today through support, help and hospital. I never wanted help but when I was in hospital I accepted it in the end and i've never looked back.
Lucy xo
NATIONAL FITNESS DAY 2021
Since it was ‘National fitness day’ this week,. I am bit late telling you my fitness and diet journey. I am going to tell you my weight loss and fitness journey. It’s been quite a long journey over the years.
I was very underweight 10-11 in 2009-2010. so much I was under an eating disorder team for a while. I was very underweight. I didn’t eat a thing and just had diet fizzy drinks or squash.
I got better with my eating, but my mental health deteriorated rapidly with my mood and self- harm, so I was admitted as an inpatient in a young person’s unit for learning disability and mental health for 18 whole months which I found challenging.
In those 18 months, I gained a lot of weight. I was no longer healthy I was overweight on the border of being in the obese category. I snacked and ate unhealthy food in hospital. I ate a lot of pasta, creamy pasta sauces, fried foods, things in batter/breadcrumbs, chips, cheese, chocolates, sugary sweets, milkshakes, nuts covered in yoghurt, crisps, crumpets, fry ups most Saturdays, hot chocolate most evenings, pizza, or another takeaway every Friday, cereal bars, biscuits including breakfast biscuits, yoghurt muller corners for breakfast and fizzy drinks such as tango and Pepsi max.
These things were not low fat, reduced sugar items or healthy in anyway.
I got bigger and bigger. I was size 10 possibly smaller, when I went into hospital and left at a size 16-18 or possibly bigger. I had to buy new clothes. I must have gained at least 4 stone and probably more. It was quite a fast way of my weight increasing.
When I came into supported living after six months, after I settled in. I joined a weight loss group called Slimming World it ran a group near to me in Solihull it was walking distance, me and another lady went together for a short while she left before me. I did lose half a stone, but I gave up. I must have tried Slimming World 10 times over 5 years or possibly more and I didn’t get very far. I joined and left t o many times. I went through phases of wanting to lose weight and after a month I would give up, that went on for a long time.
I tried slim fast and shake the weight shakes for a while too which made me feel faint and lightheaded. It was a meal replacement shake for breakfast and lunch and a balanced meal on the evening and they recommended you drink plain water which I found hard I dislike plain water especially at that time.
I also went through phases of joining gyms I would go for a week and then give up and be stuck in a membership for one year they were not 30-day memberships back then. I bought a fitness watch a Fitbit to help me but that didn’t even help me.
I did race for life 5k race hoping that would help me kickstart being healthy, but it didn’t work and i did it again 2 years later and i was in the same position. I did one in Sutton Coldfield and one in Solihull.
In 2016/2017 I had a member of staff who had done Weight Watchers herself when she was 19 when Weight Watchers was pro points, she was in her 30s back in 2016/2017, and was into fitness classes and exercise. I thought joining Weight Watchers was a good idea for me to lose my weight like my support worker she was keen to help me with my weight loss. I lost just over one stone from June-November. Weight Watchers changed the plan changing this made me want to give up I struggled to lose any weight on this weight watchers freestyle plan. I did so well on the old plan. I gave up by Christmas. I even went to step aerobics class, yoga, legs bums, and tums, tai chi, and body balance with my support worker. My support worker left to have a baby and never returned so I did struggle for a long time with dieting.
By February – March of the following year I had completely given up on Weight Watchers and weight loss. I was back to my old ways of binging on chocolate, crisps, and sweets. I also gave up on cooking I would just cook pasta meals or microwave. I did get very lazy.
I would binge for maybe half hour or an hour each day and not feel full and would do it a lot more than four times a week and would secretly eat too at times. I feel I had signs of binge eating disorder. It was sweets and chocolate; sometimes crisps I would binge eat on and eat lots of pasta meals sometimes plain pasta.
In the years that followed I did many diets such as just eating a balanced breakfast; lunch and evening dinner and fruit as snacks, calorie counting using books or apps, meal replacement shakes, Weight Watchers online and groups, Slimming world group, Noom app and using my fitness pal app. I had a dietician I saw maybe a couple of times, but she didn’t help as I knew what I was doing I just couldn’t do it physically, I would get bored of eating healthily.
I never lost more than one stone I got bored and gave up, or I felt too hungry to keep going and missed sugary items even though I was getting bigger. I was a nightmare I was such a yo-yo dieter. I had spent so much money on weight loss items such as exercise equipment such as weights, resistance bands, Fitbit watch and hula hoop for example, memberships, to weight loss groups, gym memberships and exercise classes. I even tried learning to swim at one stage which I gave up I couldn’t get it. I always found learning to swim hard even at the age I was then.
Fast forward to Christmas 2020. I was and I have to say it, I was obese and very big. It was a weight which I cannot get out of my head I can still see the number on the scale staring back at me. I never saw it to be a real issue but there were signs that I needed to do something, but I ignored it and carried on binge eating and being unhealthy.
I had severe back pain it was a slipped/bulging disc, but I now feel it was down to my weight, I couldn’t walk far, and I was out of breath walking a mile down the road for example. It is a lot better these days.
During 2020 we had a pandemic the coronavirus pandemic and the whole world went into lockdown the UK went into lockdown by middle of March 2020, which made things with my diet get a lot worse. I was good at first then it spiralled downhill. At first, I did YouTube exercise videos, I gave up within a month. I could hardly walk because of back pain which made things feel worse and didn’t feel like carrying on with weight loss and exercise.
On 3rd January I decided I would weigh myself first time since August time 2020. I was shocked and I knew it was correct, so I don’t know why I was shocked. I had never been that heavy ever in my life and I didn’t want to be that weight. I joined Weight Watchers online by lunchtime that day and decided I needed to lose weight for me, my family and friends, my back pain and for my health.
By my 2nd week I had lost over half a stone. I was pleased and within a month I had lost one stone I was happy and had no words to explain how happy I was. I could do it, I thought.
I have kept going and haven’t given up. I have lost weight every single week or maintained which some people say that’s very unusual to hear of. It’s the end of September and have kept going all year. I have joined a gym locally and even had a personal trainer for a while which helped me hugely. I go to the gym three times a week and I walk lots more too. I had a personal trainer for a while too which helped me learn new machines in the gym and learnt how to lose weight and learning what to eat for my meals and snacks.
I aim for around 6-7,000 steps a day which is so much better than I did one year ago.
I tried an app called iTrackbites it is like Weight Watchers for 3-4 weeks, but it wasn’t working and reverted to Weight Watchers. I lost nothing using that specific app.
I watch people on YouTube and tik-tok also follow people who have done incredibly well it does help me
I have lost weight and gone down 2 dress sizes I am over the moon with the achievements I have made in 2021 losing weight, becoming healthy and exercising.
Lucy xo